the tap

As promised in the 10 best jobs post I made, here are the 10 worst jobs for 2010. Though this is generally a response to the ridiculous official lists that are put out (compared to my list their worst looks like free money for getting blow jobs), I’m also trying to make you feel better about the shitty job you’re probably blowing off while reading this blog post. Enjoy.

10. Sewage Treatment Worker. You work with and process piss and shit and whatever else I happened to flush down my toilet. There’s no tellin’ what you’ll come into contact with as aids infected bits of flesh come down the pipe from your local prison. And you’ll never, ever, wash out that smell.

9. Prison Phone Bank Operator. So, you think your cubicle is a prison? Well as a prisoner working as a customer service agent, your cube is actually your break from your small cell. Just imagine getting prison raped and then having to take angry customer calls for Visa?

8. Biological Waste Handler (Medical Garbage Man). Those little bins with the needles and bloody crap from the operating room has to go somewhere and you’re going to take it there. Here, have a bag of tumors and body fat. Good times.

7. Crime Scene Cleaner. All the fun of the biological waste handler but with none of the safety features. Bits of brains, blood splattered on a wall, entrails dragged through a living room by a hungry family dog, it’s all yours.

6. Animal Inseminator. Just reach right up that horses vagina. Yup, that’s right, all the way up to the shoulder. Now breathe deep, my friend. This is your life.

5. Body Cavity Searcher. Maybe you’re a cop, maybe a prison guard, but whatever the case you are going to search the rectum of the 6 foot 4 inch rapist in front of you.

4. Chicken Killer. Before it comes to the super market, it’s a bird and you must decapitate it, de-feather it, cut out it’s guts, and send it along on a conveyor belt of doom. Lip itching? Don’t scratch it as you’re covered in feathers, blood, feces, and the remnants of your childhood dreams.

3. Spooge Mopper. From the slang dictionary: spooge n.
semen. From the normal dictionary: mopper. n. a worker who uses a mop to clean a surface. Put them together and it means you have one of the shittiest jobs on the planet. All day and (more likely) all night, you clean up the jizz of the sex shop patrons. The only way to get this job is to rape cancer ridden child midgets in a previous life.

2. Child Soldier. While not a common career in the U.S., child soldiers exist on every continent in the world. Chances are, you fell in to this career when a small group of armed thugs showed up in your hometown and forced you to kill your parents right there on the spot. From there they got you addicted to drugs, raped you repeatedly, forced you to kill other kids, and then marched you toward enemies that might not want to kill kids. To add insult to one of the greatest horrors mankind has ever invented, you work on commission, only getting paid when you loot something of value.

1. Whore (all types from crack to call girl). The oldest profession is still the shittiest. It doesn’t matter if you’re sucking dick for crack or sucking crack for cash, your life is pretty much fucked forever and you know it. In fact, it’s all you can think about as that three hundred pound, sweat covered biological waste handler, thrusts his swollen belly against you as you (under orders) call him “big bill the love king”.

See, life’s not so bad…for you.

Today Careercast.com released their ranking of the best to worst 200 jobs in 2010. The best job is Actuary and the worst goes to Roustabout (which just beat Lumberjack). Well, for fun I decided to come up with my list of 10 best and worst jobs for 2010. This list is completely subjective and I’ll start with just the 10 best.

10 Best Jobs For 2010

1. Lottery winner. This is pretty much as good as it gets with lots of money, no work, no obligation to your family, friends, or anybody really. Downside: Strangely high probability of falling apart in some serious way, including the possibility of blowing your head off inside the original batmobile.

2. Entitled Blue-blood Asshole. You were born into a family with infinite resources and have been pampered since birth. You’ve known nothing else which is why you feel you deserve everything you have. Even if you fuck it up, the family is there like a giant safety net. Downside: You’re an asshole.

3. Kept Boy/Girl. Lavish gifts, some sugar-person’s bottomless checkbook, it’s a good life. Downside: You must fuck on command (more of a drawback for girls than guys, assuming the lights can stay off).

4. Dysfunctional Pop/Rock Legend. Sure, you have to play music now and again but that’s an ego stroke you don’t really mind anyway (and if you ask nice you can just lip sync the whole thing). The rest of the time it’s shallow sex, money, drugs, and more sex. Downside: Herpes.

5. Sex Slave/Gimp. Ok, you’re a slave which comes with some baggage. You don’t have freedom is probably the big one. On the other hand, your master wants to keep you alive and that means taking care of your every need. That and ya know, you’re with someone who’s sick enough to have a sex slave which means there’s a good chance you will experience every sexual sensation biologically possible for a human being. Downside: Fecal play.

6. TV/Film Celebrity. Sex slave beat this out because at least as a sex slave your humiliation is private. As a celebrity you will have lots of money and drugs but not quite the same amount of hot/loose groupies that benefit the higher ranking pop star. But hey, you’re rich and beloved and umm, rich. Downside: You have to memorize really long scripts.

7. Porn Casting Director. Attractive people having sex with you isn’t part of the job, it IS the job. Now sure, you’re not rich but you have money and there’s someone sucking your genitals as you read this. Downside: You’re not rich.

8. CEO of a bank that’s too big to fail. I’m not going political on you here, it’s just that as a CEO of an essential part of our economy you not only can’t lose your company do to your management of it, but you don’t even have to give up your bonus. I mean, hey, you’re too valuable and if they didn’t give you millions in bonuses for running the company in the ground you might leave and run a different company into the ground (possibly one that is allowed to fail). Downside: Feigning regret over the trouble you’ve caused for everyone else.

9. Sex toy mold model. Your job is to think dirty thoughts and once aroused, let someone encase your junk in plaster. You watch tv for a bit and they remove the plaster. Some short time later your cock is a dildo and you can literally fuck yourself with it. And you got paid for this! Downside: Shaving junk prior to casting.

10. Executioner. So why is this in the top ten? Because you get paid to throw ONE SWITCH. Sure, some poor bastard dies because of it but still, you showed up and pressed one button or lever or whatever and then you went home. George Jetson had to do more work than that. Downside: Smell of burning hair.

I’ll write the 10 worst soon, I promise.